The Dos and Don’ts for Texting Your Crush (2024)

Shake the Nerves and Message Your Crush Like the Champ You Are

A text from your crush sends your heart aflutter.

You grab your phone and start to type something back that’ll convince them of how great you are, that’ll make them fall for you, but the first thing you come up with is too serious. You try again — this time, it’s too silly. The next thought comes off dorky as hell. You’re getting nowhere, and your crush thinks you’re leaving them on read. What can you do?

Texting with a crush is a study in contrasts. It can be incredibly exciting and can make you feel like you’re floating on a cloud, but it can also be excruciatingly awkward, anxiety-inducing, and can make you question your very reason for being when you’re left alone with your own thoughts.

In order to help you make the most of texting your crush, AskMen spoke to five dating experts to get their take on why it’s such a potentially nerve-wracking experience, what to do, as well as what not to do. Here’s what they had to say:

Why Texting Your Crush Can Be Stressful

As great as texting your crush can be when it’s going well, it can also make you feel like you’re completely on edge. But why is that?

“We can get nervous talking to our crush at the best of times, so it’s totally normal to feel the same in an online exchange,” says Kerri Middleton, sex and relationship expert at Bathmate. “If anything, there can be added pressures as you’re not afforded the luxury of seeing their physical reaction!”

She goes on, adding: “As humans, we are built to form relationships with other human beings, so the fear of rejection is ingrained into us.”

In a texting context, then, waiting for a response, with no facial or body language cues as to what it’ll be, can be nerve-wracking.

“As soon as we see the ‘...’ we start to wonder, and that can lead us down an irrational path,” says Middleton. “It’s important to recognize this and remember it’s only a conversation!”

Connell Barrett, founder of Dating Transformation and author of Dating Sucks But You Don’t, believes all that stress comes from a need to make your messages “amazingly witty, funny, [and] cool.”

“Basically, you feel your texts need to be perfect, and that’s a high bar to cross,” he tells AskMen. “It feels more like walking on a high wire, rather than sending a fun, flirty message.”

Dos and Don’ts of Texting Your Crush

So how, exactly, do you make it work? Let’s dig in to some real advice.

Ask Questions

One of the worst things you can do when talking to someone is hog the conversation. If all you can text about is yourself, even someone who returns your crush-y feelings might start to feel bored before long.

Instead, work asking questions into your repertoire.

“It’s always nice to have someone take an interest in you, especially if you’re interested in them!,” says Middleton. “No matter who it is, it’s always nice to get a text asking ‘how are you’?

Barrett says that asking slightly more unique questions can also be a way to stand out a bit and get a more interesting conversation going.

“Instead of, ‘How’s your day?’ or ‘How are you?’ ask questions that dig deeper or get more specific,” he suggests. “Such as, ‘What was the most delicious food you ate all weekend?’ or ‘What was the coolest thing that happened to you today?’”

Or you could ask more thoughtful, personal questions that touch on who your crush really is, according to Sofiya Alexandra, co-founder and co-host of the “Private Parts Unknown” podcast. If you touch on things you have in common, that could be a great source of conversation: “Is there a movie you both want to see, a teacher you hate, or a game you both play?” she says.

Don’t Overwhelm Them

On the other hand, it’s possible to text too much. As Alexandra puts it, “If they’re only texting a line, and you’re sending a paragraph, slow your roll.”

Maybe they’re texting just as long messages as you are, but they’re taking bigger gaps. If so, that might just be their style — or they might be dealing with other stuff, notes Barrett.

“Don’t worry if your crush doesn’t reply to a message right away,” he says. “They might be busy. Give them some time to reply.”

If you find yourself freaking out about it, it might be time to put the phone away entirely, says Courtney Kocak, Alexandra’s fellow co-founder and co-host. She suggests taking a breather and using the time (and your anxious energy) to get some things knocked off your to-do list: “Make your bed, start a load of laundry, send that important work email, go for a walk. Then in a few hours, you can check your phone again and you might be pleasantly surprised with text from your crush.”

Use Emojis, Pictures, Memes and Voice Notes

Is there anything more boring than a sheer wall of text?

Using visuals to spice up the conversation can be a great way to make it feel more fun and to help replace some of the magic that’s lost when you’re talking to someone face-to-face. Barrett suggests sending funny gifs and memes, and Tiana GlittersaurusRex, co-founder of The Sex Work Survival Guide, is a big fan of the emoji.

“I love using emojis when texting a crush to show facial expressions they can't see,” she says. “Sometimes they even replace certain words to be playfully sexy.”

RELATED: The Sexiest Emojis (And How to Use Them)

For that matter, lots of phones and apps now have features that allow you to send voice notes, she points out.

“Voice notes can be a sexy way to ‘text’ someone and express more of your personality with the tone of your voice — and that can be arousing, even if it's just a mundane note.”

Using voice notes here and there could also be a mid-way point between texting and full-on phone calls if that feels too intimidating (or old-fashioned) in the early going.

Don’t Play Mind Games

Unfortunately, something lots of people resort to when they’re feeling anxious about a crush is playing mind games with them. And while it’s understandable to try and make yourself feel less vulnerable and more in control by trying to confuse or ignore your crush, it’s not a great approach in the long-term.

“Don’t be passive aggressive,” says Kocak. “Keep it straightforward. If you want to go on a date, just ask them out. Don’t try to get them to ask you out. Text-based miscommunication is rife, don’t make things more confusing by trying to play mind games or manipulate an outcome.”

Similarly, Barrett says that if you like someone, you should show it: “Let them know you like them by paying them specific compliments. It could be as simple as saying something after they make you laugh [like] ’I really like your sense of humor.’”

Be Thoughtful About It

It’s possible to overthink texts, but one way of approaching texting a crush is to not think about individual texts, but about the process of it instead.

“Before you touch your phone to send a message, stop to ask yourself how you’re feeling,” suggests GlittersaurusRex. “What is your emotional and mental state? Did you have a stressful day or are you holding tension in your jaw? We are bombarded by lots of external and internal triggers for tension. Try to acknowledge where the tension is coming from then help release it before starting to flirt with a crush.”

Kocak, meanwhile, suggests being honest with yourself about your goals: “Think of what you want to achieve by texting them,” she says. “Do you want to set a date? Initiate a virtual flirt sesh? Test out if they might be into you? Focusing on a goal can help reduce pre-text jitters.”

Don’t Overdo It

In addition to texting too often and overwhelming your crush, it’s also possible to overwhelm them by texting, well, too intensely.

“Doing way too much for someone you like with excessive sympathy and attention in pursuit of a sexual relationship”— aka simping — is a no-no for GlittersaurusRex. That also means don’t text them the most intimate thoughts and feelings you’ve ever had unless you’re both on board for that kind of intimacy.

“Don’t try too hard,” agrees Alexandra. “The hope is they already like you for who you are, so trying too hard can ruin that, [and don’t] act like you’re closer than you are — the kind of things I can say to my friends while clowning aren’t gonna land the same way with a new crush.”

Have Fun With It

Ultimately, flirting over text should be a fun experience — why bother otherwise?

“Don’t overthink it,” says Kocak. “Sure, texting your crush can be nerve-wracking, but it’s really not that big of a deal. There’s no crisis, you’re just flirting. Text is a low-pressure form of communication, try to have fun with it.”

And definitely don’t be afraid to text first, she adds: “Putting yourself out there is badass. Forget about any potential rejection and remember, it’s cool to go after what you want. Focus more on the excitement of engaging with someone you're genuinely interested in rather than any anxiety or pressure of what’s to come.”

Don’t Get Too Sexual or R-Rated

On a more serious note, one thing that can put the brakes on a pleasant flirtation real fast is getting excessively sexual before the other person is ready.

“When you flirt, keep it G-rated or PG-rated,” advises Barrett, with Middleton suggesting not texting too late as it might lead to “sending a message you didn’t mean to.”

Most importantly, sending nudes if one or both of you is under 18, or if you don’t have the other person’s consent, is a serious no-no.

“Do not send a dick pic unless it is explicitly asked for,” explains GlittersaurusRex. “Do not, in turn, pressure or make someone feel obligated to return the favor.”

Not only is that kind of behavior illegal and inappropriate, it’s also a serious buzzkill. If things are going to get sensual, you have to accept that that’s not something that you can force or pressure, that it has to happen organically and on its own schedule.

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